@muyrando

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

@muyrando

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

@muyrando

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

@muyrando

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

@muyrando

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?