Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)