Sing it!
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Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I am yelling
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.