I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
You Might Also Like
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry