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How do horror writers compete with current events?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Not all heroes wear capes….
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕