*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I embrace aging gracefully
With good humor
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I don’t hate children, just yours.