@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

@mydmac

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

@mydmac

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

@mydmac

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

@mydmac

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

@mydmac

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

@mydmac

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.