Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
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Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.