I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes