[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*