For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Body by cheese-puffs.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka