I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.