“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
You Might Also Like
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.