I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….