@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

@nPhelendriqal

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

@nPhelendriqal

“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”

@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

@nPhelendriqal

I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.