Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery