Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Was it something I said?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot