Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
how much does a mortician urn in a year
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now