@nachosarah: IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@nachosarah: my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone's having a party

@nachosarah: my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone's having a party

@nachosarah: the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they're missing or you want them to be

@nachosarah: my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone's having a party

@nachosarah: when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

@nachosarah: when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

@nachosarah: why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses

@nachosarah: hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected