There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
is this a threat