The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
can I use a minion as a tampon
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Wait a minute…
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
She was REALLY feeling it.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.