I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids