When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
You Might Also Like
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful