Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me