Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout