Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me