Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
You Might Also Like
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Squirrels before girls.