“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
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[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
HBO
HBO GO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I want to meet the individual who made this
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school