Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!