If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat