my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden


genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month


my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself


i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot


take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods


doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy


fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom