my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids
my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long
she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom