🤣✨#caturday
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Finally! 😈
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Sooo many times…..