Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA