I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
me when the borders lift
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
welp
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”