[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Well, shit
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”