I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?