Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
forgive me baja for i have blast
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct