[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.