My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Great game to play with friends
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds