“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*