[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
spot the difference
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Wait a minute…
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.