vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
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How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor