[canadians at you, canadianly]
You Might Also Like
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
get you a girl who
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.