What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
*watches the world burn*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I bet
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You better watch out
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet