I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.