The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”