The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.