I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
termite twitter scares me
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.