I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.