I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.