@nbadag: me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don't do that
@nbadag: [christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
@nbadag: [jurassic world]
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it's too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i'm saying at all
@nbadag: [me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs
[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
@nbadag: [hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
@nbadag: HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
@nbadag: [to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
@nbadag: BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is