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Page of nbadag's best tweets

@nbadag : GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

@nbadag: me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don't do that

@nbadag: [christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@nbadag: [jurassic world]
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it's too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i'm saying at all

@nbadag: [me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

@nbadag: [hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@nbadag: HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@nbadag: [to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

@nbadag: [commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

@nbadag: BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is